I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick,it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh,even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close,not even a little bit'not even at all.
I watched this great old movie -- Ten Things I Hate About You. It was awesome. One way of diverting myself from knocking myself off my bed and cry. My boyfriend and I had a fight and I didn't eat the whole day. I laid to bed all day waiting for him to message me but he didn't. I flooded him with text message telling him that I'm sorry and that I love him. But I guess that's how he is. He wouldn't contact me unless he's completely alright and capable of discussing the matter with me.
It wasn't actually my fault, nobody is. We just had a misunderstanding? Well not actually, it was just a flimsy simple little matter that should have been very easy to settle if he would just act mature enough to listen, sit and talk about it. But no, he really have to distance himself first. He needs to think. If that's what it really is. I'm not sure. I really cried myself to sleep a lot of times today. I didn't climb out of bed until 6 pm when I was so sure that he has no plans of contacting me and that my threat of starving myself until he say that we're okay and that he still loves me was futile. I climbed out of bed, washed my tear-drained face out, ate two plates of rice and watched Myx. I entertained myself, it was about time to stop thinking of him and stop waiting for him to contact me.
It was when I was diverting myself to other things that Lester contacted me, asked me if we fought. I was surprised, one thing I felt that instant was hurt. But wait, I wasn't sure of it yet, so I asked Les--"Did he text you?". He said yes. That was when I really cried. Hell, I was waiting for his text all day, messaged him telling him how much I love him and that I miss him and that I'm sorry even though there's really nothing to be sorry about but the fact that he wasn't my first boy friend and that all my first experiences weren't him but someone else. But no, he didn't reply to any of those, he chose to text someone else. Isn't that just great? It hurts, it hurts so fucking much. I was worried, when he wasn't contacting all day, but I tried to understand him. I tried to comprehend. I thought of all the positive things that must've been the reason why he's not contacting me, and I was okay with that. I thought, I was willing to wait, after all, he must've been just thinking and needs some space right? So I was willing to give that space to him. But the fact that he messaged Lester FIRST after ignoring all my messages and attempts was more than I can take.
Isn't it, that when couples fight they should be the one to settle the problem and not anyone else? Because the only people involved here is the two of us. That's why I really couldn't understand why he should message SOMEONE ELSE if that someone is not even involved in the first place? He doesn't have the capacity to settle this problem and might I say that he even has the tendency to even complicate it more thus worsen it. RIGHT? So why message him instead of me?? WHY?
*sigh* I love him, I love him so damn much that even though I look like a total idiot for waiting for his text all day, it was okay. I never want a fight. I don't want to worsen things out. All I want is for everything to come back the way it is. I just want us to be "okay" even though I was hurt and it was so painful accepting all those things I learned about him and the fact that I heard it from someone else and not really directly from him.I am so damn tired of this. I'm tired of always having to comprehend, always having to understand everything and always always having to chase after him whenever we encounter very SIMPLE flimsy problems. I hope we can settle this once in for all, and mostly, I hope next time we have a problem, I hope we can act MATURELY about it.
